As soon as you decide that divorce is a potential reality, immediately your thoughts will turn to your future and fears of your new reality. “I don’t make enough money to live on my own.” Or “How much of my income will I have to give up to support my spouse and the kids?” “I’ll be living in poverty!” A world of unknowns reveals itself in an avalanche of financial and emotional realities that must be dealt with. Despite the stereotypes around vindictive nasty divorces, my experience is that the vast majority of couples that I have dealt with in Indiana truly and sincerely want what’s fair for all involved. I am sure this would hold true everywhere.
Fair. The problem here is that every person’s idea of fair is different. Depending on how much emotional wounding may have happened in the marriage, perceived wrongs that demand to be righted, apologies that remained unspoken, “fair” may be on the peaks of two separate mountains cut deeply by a river of conflict and resentments. This is the simple truth that has created a multi-billion-dollar divorce industry. I think there is a different answer.
What if you let go of the need for fairness? I know, sounds crazy, but try this on for size. What if each party didn’t worry about what the other person was getting and sat down with a divorce financial planner and simply figured out what they need for themselves to be able to be ok? And then they sit down with a mediator and start from there? Maybe it’s not equal. Maybe it’s not “fair”. Maybe it just works! For everyone involved! Now that is a win/win solution!
So fair schmair! Let it go! It doesn’t matter! Focus on the next phase of your life and how you can move on in a healthy happy way that will preserve your family unit for the future. As I always tell my clients, my goal is to help you be the best divorced family you can be, because you’re still a family.
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